tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77647587399679778772024-03-18T23:07:59.506-04:00candy heartsmushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.comBlogger77125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-47559880739264847672023-08-26T23:34:00.007-04:002023-08-26T23:46:08.095-04:00Returning to my Self<p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">I can hear the birds chirping in my backyard, and I smile as I sip my ice cold electrolyte water. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">Because I feel so damn grateful.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">There are times that I don’t hear the birds at all. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">They’re still there, beautiful as ever, singing their happy songs, but I don’t sense them.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">I don’t hear them, I don’t see them. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">I am somewhere else entirely. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">There were days that I felt that way all too often. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">Maybe all the time. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">Now it happens in moments, sometimes days or weeks, where I slip back into old versions of me. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">It happens, I think, partly to remind me of how far I’ve come. So when I’m holding a magnifying glass to my mind, body, and soul, looking for more things to fix, I remember what life used to be like for me, and how it is now. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">So I could be grateful. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">But mostly it happens, so that I can heal one more layer of wounding. So I can climb down that spiral staircase deeper and deeper into me, on my journey back to Self. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">I’m starting to enjoy it, the journey. I used to be hurried to get somewhere, and many parts of me still are. But in a way I can’t quite explain yet, I’m starting to enjoy the process. The human struggle that I signed up for. The game- because it is a game- the pain, the mess, the surrender, the unleashing and reclaiming. All of it. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1">The magic of those moments that I remember who I am. The glimpses of my Divinity that I once couldn’t even see, let alone feel, let alone </span><span class="s2" style="font-style: italic;">become</span><span class="s1">. </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">How crazy, I think to myself, that I thank my triggers now. Even in the depths of it, crawling on the floor, screaming with the ache of a child in deep pain, in a hell so excruciating, I both want to die and yet I <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>hold on for dear life at the same time, a grip so tight, that I’m learning to let go of. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">Even then, I can hold my inner child in the arms of my Highest Self, and I could feel both the pain and the gratitude for the opportunity to come back to process what my little girl couldn’t back then.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">As a child I wrote in my diary when the feelings were so big and had no exit point.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">I wrote to my future self. I could remember the thoughts in my mind, the feelings in my body as I cried to her. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew I would come back in time to save her.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">And I have.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">I continue to.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">Save her.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">And that is why I am thankful for the birds chirping this morning. They reminded me of a time before birds, when life was lived in black and white. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">And that is why I am thankful for the triggers that invite me deeper into myself. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">For the pain that made me. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">For the fire that forged me.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">That initiated me into the embodiment of the Divine daughter of God that I am.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">Even when I slip back into old patterns, or succumb to the pain and revisit an old version of myself.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">Even when I close my heart yet again, and don’t act as my Highest Self.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">Even when I judge and hate the wounded human that emerges.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">I work to come back to myself, to love, and love those versions of me. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">“She’s enough just like that”, I remind myself.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">And although I don’t always believe it, although even when I do, I forget shortly after, I keep practicing coming back to love over and over. To love not just my soul, not just my light, but to love my ego, my shadows. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">All of us is God.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">All of us. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">We are all of it. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;">Everything. </span></p>Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-65626734723759118012023-07-23T02:16:00.000-04:002023-07-23T02:16:56.044-04:0012/19/09<div>
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12/19/09. It was the eve after her 90th birthday. I got an email from Yehoshua the next morning. I called home right away. They said they didn’t want to wake me. </div>
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She was wearing a red tichel when it happened. It was the one she always wore. Classic Bubby. Like scrambling eggs were. And that sequined blue dress that she wore to every wedding. The one that accented her eyes. </div>
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But now I’m scared I’ll forget her. Forget the way she looked. The way she spoke. The funny things she’d say. I never want to forget her. I can’t forget her. I see myself in her. I know that’s crazy to say. She was amazing. But if I look in the mirror, I see those same big eyes, that once were blue. Oh, she loved blue eyes. Secretly, she played favorites with the grandchild who had them. But Zaidy’s were brown. Or maybe hazel. I guess his charm made up for it. </div>
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We have this picture of Zaidy giving her a gift a couple years ago. He has this incredible smile on his face, like his whole world is lighting up. Like they were newly weds. She was beautiful. And she was strong. 'Till the very end. She had to be. She lived for nine days without kidneys. The doctors said that’s impossible. But then again, Bubby was no ordinary woman. She was modest. Dignified. I can still envision her on her flowered couch with a tehillim in hand. She probably knew the whole book by heart, she said it so often. But she was modest. She read from the tehillim. </div>
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When I visited her in the hospital, before I left, I promised her I’d send her a postcard from Israel. I never did. I davened for her at the kotel. At ma’arat hamachpala. From behind covered eyes when I lit candles on Friday night. I whispered her name countless times. <i>Baila Malkah bas Yaakov Aryeh</i>. May her neshama have an aliyah. </div>
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mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-46922260408947113222023-07-23T02:11:00.001-04:002023-07-23T02:13:12.473-04:00pixie in a giant world<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">I walk</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">around with astonished eyes, wide and foolish.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">A pixie in a world of giants.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">The people, the places I go, even the language is foreign.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">I keep a handful of</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">words in my pocket and recycle them over and over.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><br /></span></span><div><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">Words I may have taken off the lips of strangers,</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">lapped off pages of books, </span><br />
</span><div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">copied and pasted from a mimes forehead </span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">But I’ll write them down anyway.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">In the hope that maybe when I reread them in a few years</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">I’ll remember how it felt to write them.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">Yet they never breathe; the words.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">They remain confined</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">to Times New Roman, to the 8.5x11 page, lifeless and one dimensional.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">I feel too hard, I see too much;</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">I can’t compress the moments, crush them up into a fine powder</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">and funnel them into words,</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">into sentences that justify the time I took to feel them.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">My fingers drum on the keyboard,</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">the right words evade me.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">Words don’t have little hearts on their sleeves</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">or nerves to transmit the feeling.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman'; font-style: italic;">Italics</span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';"> can’t whisper, even CAPS don’t holler from rooftops.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">Words never reel or implode from the inside out.</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">Words don’t tremble</span><span><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">or beat so fast it’s as if their heart </span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">is set to leap from their chest.</span></span></div>
</div>mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-17231570936571763242023-06-25T00:40:00.007-04:002023-06-25T00:43:17.708-04:00Healing Isn’t Polite <p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I woke up this morning with a sore throat. It came as no surprise, considering I spent the night prior screaming and shouting, in between deep breathing, in a plant nursery somewhere in Miami.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">Eyes covered, hands open at my sides, I laid on a yoga mat and followed the breathwork facilitator’s cues. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">It was an active breathing class meant to take us on a journey to our subconscious and release what no longer served us. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">Less than a minute into the experience, my lungs felt like they were on fire. As a chronically shallow breather all my life, my lung capacity was nil. Almost as though I didn’t believe I deserved the very oxygen I begrudging inhaled into my lungs. I didn’t know how to receive what is certainly a birthright. It’s crazy to say it out loud but I honestly don’t think I felt worthy of breathing out loud. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">In the past when I did remember to breathe, I would hold the breath in my lungs, not in a luxurious way, but in the sense that I was so nervous, I’d forget to exhale and take a new breath. I’m not entirely sure why. A part of me thinks that maybe it was so that others wouldn’t hear me exhale, so that I could stay in my shell and tip toe quietly through life. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">Maybe I didn’t believe I was worthy of taking up space or making noise, and maybe the sound of my exhale would remind them that I was there. Maybe I didn’t want to be there, maybe I was somewhere else entirely.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">But last night I breathed differently. I decided to immerse myself in the experience. If others deserved to receive this healing event in exchange for money, why not me?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;">Time moved differently as we breathed, so I’m not sure how long into it it was before my hands involuntarily clasped together tightly like lobster claws. The instructor had warned us before that this could happen, and if she hadn’t, I would have been terrified out of my mind. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I kid you not, as hard as I tried, I could not unclasp my thumb from the rest of my fingers. And I tried, because the sensation was so incredibly painful. At first, I resisted the pain, desperately trying to open them.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">“Let go,” I heard her say softly. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I had a feeling she was talking to me, because I’ve heard it many times before. I knew letting go was both the most difficult and the most important thing I would ever have to do, but I just couldn’t figure out how to do it.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I lugged my past around with me wherever I went, releasing some of it slowly over the years, but still feeling a resistance to letting go completely. It had become part of my identity, so to release it would have felt like shedding limbs. It felt impossible to let go of such a huge part of me.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">But I knew I had to. Because I didn’t want to be in pain. I got the feeling then that I was being called to release the idea that my past and self imposed limitations are my identity. I felt I was being asked to release my defenses, my safety barriers, the deadbolts and locks around my heart. I was being asked to smash my shell open and come out, even if only for tonight, even if I later crafted a softer shell, perhaps with more windows and doors. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I knew that my hands locked shut in such a painful pose was a physical and metaphorical message to let go of all that I’m holding onto. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">It was so painful to hold on and so painful to let go, but it became clear that the only way out of the pain was through it. To surrender to it. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">So I did. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I had to. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">And when I did, the tension slowly melted away. My hands opened. I let go.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">And in letting go, my hands were once again open to receive.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">And so I did.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I received.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I drew the air, the oxygen, the life force, into my lungs and intentionally held it there for a a while, luxuriating in the feeling of fullness, allowing my lungs to expand deeper than I ever have. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">It felt difficult but full of promise. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">And when I felt like my lungs might explode and I couldn’t hold it any longer, I held that breath for a few more moments, gently letting my lungs know that I was teaching them to receive, and that I can handle more than I give myself credit for.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">And I kept breathing. Two breaths through my mouth, one into my stomach and one into chest; expelled with sound and vibration.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">She urged us to use our voices as we exhaled. However loud we needed to be. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">And so I did. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">At first it came out as low hums, vibrations. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">Quiet. Respectful. Polite. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">But there was a voice clawing inside me, impolite and wild, begging for release. The only way to release it would have been to scream, to shout. I’m not a shouter by nature, I rarely scream, but I decided to give myself permission to do it anyway.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">So I did. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I screamed from the bottom of my gut. It wasn’t pretty, it was guttural at some points and shrill at others. I gave voice to sounds that were imprisoned inside for what could have been decades. Sounds that sounded like, “I deserve to make noise, I deserve to use my voice, I deserve to exist, to be here and not stuck within. I deserve to have time to myself. I deserve to take up space.” </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">All the things I once told myself I was not worthy of came out in those screams. All the times I felt like screaming and never did. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">At first I thought “Oh no, I must sound crazy. I must be disturbing the others. I must be stepping on their toes.” All the apologies I’ve ever given played in my head. But then I quickly replaced it with the message that tonight wasn’t about apologies, it was about healing authenticity, however it wanted to happen. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">Healing isn’t polite. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">At the end she asked us to think about what we were grateful for. Many people and things came to mind, but the first one was… me. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I had never felt gratitude for myself, I always found other people to be grateful for. But tonight I finally felt grateful for the one who has been there for me all these years, the one who has taken me on this journey of healing. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">So often I searched for healing in others. In supplements, regimens, therapists, coaches, mind and body practitioners, medicines and the people who prescribed them, but it wasn’t until tonight, when I learned how my breath alone can take me to deeper states and healing places, that I realized the medicine is me. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">I left with many messages but perhaps most importantly I left with this: God breathed a soul into each of us, our breath is a sacred and constant reminder of how important we truly are. We are all equally deserving and worthy and when you really stop to think about it, it’s ludicrous that we keep forgetting this. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">We are deeply worthy of all the goodness in the world. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">We are deserving. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">We are deserving.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">We are deserving.</span></p>Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-33689115509423133162023-06-22T23:05:00.013-04:002023-06-24T23:13:41.395-04:00My Fire-Breathing Dragon<p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I emerged from the breathwork event still buzzing with social anxiety, electric with a cocktail of stress hormones coursing through me.</span></span></div><p></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" data-pm-slice="1 1 []" dir="auto" id="4b6q3" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><span style="font-size: x-small;"><image-component data-node-attrs="{"id":"q6asq199","containerData":{"alignment":"CENTER","spoiler":{"enabled":false},"textWrap":true},"image":{"src":{"id":"ddf993_1988e6bf199e43a9acef0fbe26603018~mv2.jpg"},"width":794,"height":794},"link":null,"disableExpand":null,"altText":null,"caption":null,"disableDownload":null,"loading":false,"loadingPercentage":null,"tempData":null}" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"></image-component></span><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="6sjxz200" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="m2fnp4" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="2xdbr5" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">On the car ride over I had attempted to smoke away the heaviness of my day. Using weed as an emotional palette cleanser is rarely effective, I know, but I did it anyway because I had also read something about cannabis heightening the experience.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="hdy197" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="2sxt88" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">That it did.</span></strong></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="cb6zc10" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="nvasu11" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Heightened the already relentless social anxiety strumming in my chest, that is.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="9in1y13" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="kct2g14" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Perfect</span>.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="0942g16" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="572z517" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I had for some cosmic reason broken my cardinal rule about not smoking before social events, and in doing so, it overrode my original intention completely.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="jlsxz19" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="rm49020" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Which had been, for the record: <strong>To release the energy I mistakenly held for other people</strong>. <strong>And to reclaim my own</strong>.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="nil2m26" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="ka6u227" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Thanks to a little weed and a lot of little-t- trauma, my intention was instead replaced with<strong> facing the dragon in front of me: Social anxiety and the wounds beneath it.</strong></span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="mdgv832" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="fo9tl33" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">As I felt the energy of this fear resonate in my body, I couldn’t help but wonder…</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="52vq235" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="lij7536" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">After all the ceremonies, and all the breathwork and therapy sessions, after all the meetings with my Higher Self, all the newfound self-love, and all the spiritual awakenings, <strong>why tf do I still get nervous in social situations?</strong></span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="871vr39" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="a209v40" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Too bad psychedelic ceremonies don’t have money back guarantees, because I was just about ready for mine. Judging myself, I wondered: <strong>why is healing so goddamn slow?</strong></span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="mzum442" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="i27no43" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">But then the breathwork started and I did what I came to do. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="b8y6m45" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="oc12q46" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I held my husbands hand as I began to breathe, clinging to some semblance of safety in a room that reminded me of the places I was hurt. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="of8tu12378" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="rluui12445" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Within moments however, I felt safe to let go and hold myself. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="apevl19361" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="uz1r319439" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">And in my breath<span style="font-style: italic;"> I met her</span>; that beautiful goddess of a Higher Self I meet when I get out of my mind and into my body.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="77hqn48" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="x3t7x49" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">She moves like water, smells of love, speaks so softly yet so powerfully, and feels like<span style="font-style: italic;"> Light</span>.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="kvx6j53" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="qmgr754" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">My breath summoned her and she held me in her Divine embrace. With each breath, she showed me my light.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="vatk92356" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="atouy2421" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">My power.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="ozv4d2999" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="rzm123065" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">My love.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="d172f56" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="a5uas57" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">She roared with me as I released energy from every part of my body, most of all my throat.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="xxh7q59" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="pnosi60" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I went back in time with her, to times I recalled feeling unsafe to show up as my true self. Times I had to chameleon and shape-shift, times I felt compelled to fold up into myself and hide. Times I shut off and out, times I had felt less than, times I was in a big crowd like this one and felt afraid of my own shadow.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="1rtck53639" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="ni05463" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">As I breathed, I felt the waves of utter terror grip me, as though it truly was a matter of life and death. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="1tqne9198" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="ohye29265" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I recalled having to give up bits and pieces of myself, like bargaining chips, in exchange for my survival.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="87zq268" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="3uk8r69" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">It <span style="font-style: italic;">had</span> been a matter of survival, hadn't it? And I developed a brilliant mechanism that protected me. That got me here, to a place where I have enough safety and power within that I could go back and heal it. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="1kpcs73" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="a1ny574" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I honored that.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="grq0h19839" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="94z5k19917" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I felt the grief from the loss of my authenticity. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="4sr6i21556" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="ramc621635" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I honored that too.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="ova1383" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="zav1p29165" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">As I continued to breathe, and move, and kick, and scream, I felt myself come alive. I felt <span style="font-style: italic;">my</span> energy. I claimed <span style="font-style: italic;">my</span> energy, in a room that reminded me of the very people I repressed my energy for. I released energies that did not belong to me, energies that I absorbed in order to ascertain who I needed to be to please the person/people in front of me. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="zav1p29165" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: initial;">The</span><span style="text-align: initial;"> process of release and reclaiming felt like alchemical bliss. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="6jbjk33110" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="1uoo086" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">After it was done the facilitator asked if anyone would like to share, and before I could stop myself, <span style="text-align: initial;">I heard my voice reverberate in the circle. I felt it vibrate in my chest, and it carried on into the space as though it had a mind of its own. </span></span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="7744p88" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="msqzl89" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Uncharacteristically of me in a large crowd: I let the words come up and out through my heart without overthinking them. I spoke vulnerably about my journey. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="e0z1e132293" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="9w0mj132367" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I spoke about how when I began breathing I released my original intention in favor of a more pressing one, but how in the end they were one and the same. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="hsxcr153742" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="ybjeo153818" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">As a highly sensitive empath, who developed a hyper awareness of energies around me as a means of survival, I spent my life giving far too much attention and credence to the energy of others, and not nearly enough to mine. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="8q9hz54288" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="9ek2154368" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I feared the rejection/abandonment of others so I systematically changed who I was, and in doing that, I rejected and abandoned <strong>myself</strong>. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="yulgp55243" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="ngiaq55326" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">That night though, I chose myself above all else. I chose authenticity over performance, and my truth over an illusion of safety. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="uhg8c135311" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="p4q6e190910" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Speaking publicly, from my heart, without a lot of input from my analytical mind felt one part like flying, and the other, like death.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="ka8xd91" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="tdjgd92" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I left feeling more anxious than when I had arrived, and woke up to a vulnerability hangover the following morning that lingered for a bit.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="5hqnm206588" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="vntdh95" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Yet even in the contractions of my pulsing anxiety, I knew it was all unfolding for my highest good. The extended anxiety had given me more time to dig deeper into this wound, trace back to where and when it began, and hold my inner child through it.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="g1uo726849" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="zmf3d98" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">As I worked through what came up, I began to feel grateful for the questionable choices I made that heightened my anxiety. I felt grateful to myself for pushing past my comfort zone and opening my heart to the same world that broke it. Whether or not they would get it, applaud it or judge it, this time I didn’t really speak for anyone else; I spoke for myself.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="8k3dz100" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="m433h101" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I shared that night, because I felt compelled to voice a part of me that spent the greater portion of my life in silence, in defense mode, for the fear that she will once again be rejected, abandoned, tossed from the tribe.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="8em6l103" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="og4gk104" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I spoke my truth to prove to my scared parts that I can be myself and more than survive. To show them that others can reject me, but that <span style="font-style: italic;">I</span> won’t reject me.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="gsk3e108" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="j8j99109" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I spoke my truth to show my judgmental parts that they are misinformed. That they have mistakenly clung to false beliefs that were programmed long before I could understand how false they were.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="usyfu111" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="d46tf112" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I shared, because bringing my shame out of the shadows of secrecy and into the light releases its once choking grip on me.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="fmzhi114" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="0w1py115" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I shared, because on the other side of my comfort zone is freedom.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="lca9y117" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="zbh7s118" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">That night I walked directly toward my trigger. And in the courage it took to do something that made me feel like I was dying, I transmuted one more layer of my wounding.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="ye2uo120" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="dj4pz121" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">While <span style="font-style: italic;">I</span> didn’t die, something <span style="font-style: italic;">did</span> die on <span style="text-align: initial;">my mat: one more level of a survival mechanism I no longer need. And from the very ashes of the false limiting beliefs that I burned that night, I was reborn.</span></span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="yk46d129" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="54g5i130" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">A little more me.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="k84zr132" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="2yebm133" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Even when the change is ever so subtle, versions of us die and are reborn constantly. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="so5db55841" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="nnnlu9752" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">We may feel impatient when change isn’t happening quickly enough, but metamorphosis happens quietly, and beautifully, frustratingly, deliciously slowly, as it's meant to. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="qlrol9030" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="spg5h66751" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">We evolve in tiny nudges forward, backwards, sideways, inside-out, in a dance that ebbs and flows.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="9445i135" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="5wxf2136" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I don’t really notice the pieces reshuffling into someone new. Until one day I look back and feel different somehow.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="158gt138" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="o3hnl139" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">A little more me.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="d8785141" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="4h94k142" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Until I look around and there’s a little more light around me.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="t1rss144" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="h263b145" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">A little more laughter.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="qqubn147" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="tq1i9148" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">A little more love.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="rcn6k150" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="b6mvv151" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">A lot more love, actually. </span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="raevk153" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="mgp6m154" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Truly, the best part of this psychedelic journey that is life, has been learning to love myself through all the becoming and unbecoming, even when I feel like I’m gonna die.</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="zepsq2932" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="h4u7k2996" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Especially then. ♥️</span></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="h4u7k2996" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p><p class="CIFvi F607M" dir="auto" id="nuxu02239" indentation="0" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-align: initial;" textstyle="[object Object]"></p>Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-30082768780263761262018-02-04T21:01:00.002-05:002018-02-04T21:18:30.514-05:00Miss Bossy Pants<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">“Go to the party”, the voice urged me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">One of tens or maybe hundreds of voices overlapping in my psyche; this was my Bossy Pants voice. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Not to be confused with my Mean Girl voice, who’s tone is slightly more pitchy and slopes like a Valley girl.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Bossy likes to tell me what I <i>should</i> do. Her favorites are telling me to do yoga, eat clean, clean my apartment, be more adventurous, and read. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Tonight she was demanding I go to a Super Bowl party because as Mean Girl would say, “It’s, like, super <i>lame</i> to stay in for the Super Bowl.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Bossy doesn’t talk like that, she has a much more leveled-headed, logical, if not domineering tone. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">“It will be good for you to get out and socialize,” she says, and when I tell her I’m exhausted and just not in the mood and don’t really care for football anyway, she responds as per usual, “You really need to do it.” </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The chorus of voices agree, I can almost hear their eyes roll to the back of their heads. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 17pt;">But there’s another voice, so soft-spoken and faint, I could barely hear her. Speak up, I urge her</span><span style="font-size: 17pt;"> silently, hoping she might give me a justification to stay in like I wanted. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have to tell the others to shut up, and listen closely, when I hear her: the voice of Self Care. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I hear her speak I know she’s the one who actually cares about my wellbeing. She’s not concerned with what I “should” be doing, she doesn’t care about me fitting in that very narrow box of social “norms”. She wants me to do what will make me most happy and operating at my best-self. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And tonight that meant wearing pjs and writing in Starbucks (with a book on the table I was “supposed” to read, but didn’t, because that wouldn’t have been self care.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It’s really hard to differentiate between what we “should” be doing and what’s truly in our best interest. Between what will deplete vs what will recharge us, what will make us feel like we’re doing whats expected of us vs doing what feels right. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Parties are fun, and socializing is absolutely necessary, but forcing yourself to do something you’re just not up for is not self care- it’s peer pressure. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I got texts of photos of beer-pong from Half-Time and secretly wondered how Justin’s performance and commercials were going to be- and a small twinge of FOMO pinched me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But the cool thing about Self Care is that you get to change your mind- at any point you can turn your car around if you want to. Self Care will tell you exactly what will help you feel best- you just need to tune out the Bossy and Mean Girls- and listen out for hers. </span></span></div>
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Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-41113847194808909742018-01-23T10:44:00.004-05:002018-01-23T10:54:13.106-05:00The Black Elephant in The Room<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui text"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: large;">Yesterday I wrote about the days I am lucky enough to wake with a warm sunny halo around my head...mmmm. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8EuQWlrCHBKSwsJFo_ktxztUeMiYCUVpalRSWtleshZoXPtxz_HNhUxiFqOBTUgsdr9YtVcIadaw87JrGUrTvQu20PCOlfkbkMMoifCvImy683FOl4wU9gDtS_QfiG_2cFt16KAFhBUIG/s1600/black+elephant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" data-original-height="685" data-original-width="490" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8EuQWlrCHBKSwsJFo_ktxztUeMiYCUVpalRSWtleshZoXPtxz_HNhUxiFqOBTUgsdr9YtVcIadaw87JrGUrTvQu20PCOlfkbkMMoifCvImy683FOl4wU9gDtS_QfiG_2cFt16KAFhBUIG/s400/black+elephant.jpg" width="285" /></span></a><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: large;">But that was some days. Most days? Most days I wake up with a feeling of dread washing over me, with the thought of ‘what if today sucks’ resounding in my head? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: large;">I’m not a pessimist at all, I just struggle with this thing called anxiety that often makes me operate in fear rather than love.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: large;">As a teenager I was very comfortable sharing the darker parts of me. I didn't see it as something to be ashamed by, it just was. I could say I was feeling depressed by wearing black nail polish before it was trendy, or write about it in an emo poem for all of Facebook or Myspace to see. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: large;">As an adult, I no longer want to be seen that way. I want to present a highly functioning, put together persona, who is cheerful and fun to be around. No one wants to hang out with Debbie Downer. When I’m feeling blah I tend to keep that under wraps. Everything is or will be okay, is the kind of message I want to project.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: large;">But don’t we also get to acknowledge the pain? Doesn’t not talking about it give it more power than it deserves? In trying too hard not let the negative emotions define us, don’t they define us even more? The black elephant in the room no one wants to talk about only grows in our silence. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: large;">What if it’s just casual instead of a huge deal? Depression, anxiety, mental illness, these are things we all deal with on some level. We all have features of those demons in us in some way or another. Some are more willing to acknowledge it than others. Some try to repress parts of them they don't feel are acceptable. Some are less respectful of their negative emotions than their positive. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: large;">But we all deal with darkness, and the more we talk about it the less alone the rest of us feel.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: large;">So here’s to those days. The dark, gloomy ones. To the gray skies and rain dripping down our windows. Here’s to accepting the darkness, instead of being ashamed by it. Here’s to learning how to deal with the black elephant in a way that respects it but doesn’t feed its power. </span></div>
Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-62329126533386023012018-01-22T16:01:00.002-05:002018-01-22T16:05:33.972-05:00Stop This Ride, I Want To Get Off! <div style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Some days I wake up to the sun streaming in through my blinds, a warm glow surrounds. I feel rested, inspired, and motivated, like I got this. Things just go <i>right</i>; I’m taking a smooth Ferris Wheel ride up to the top, </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">feel good music playing loud, </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">the smell of carnival popcorn all around. And it feels damn good. </span><br />
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<a href="https://www.bransontracks.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/TR_PinkSkyWheel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" data-original-height="534" data-original-width="800" height="265" src="https://www.bransontracks.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/TR_PinkSkyWheel.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">“You did it! You’re happy,” I tell myself proudly, as if there was something special I did today to make things go well. As though I am the one manning this ride.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">The next day, I feel almost as though I have a right to this happiness I created. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Then there is a kink. There always is. My heart sinks. Something has gone terribly wrong, and the trajectory of my ride has come to a halting stop. My cart has suddenly stopped mid climb, and is swaying. This doesn't feel right. It’s out of my control, and I’m starting to feel powerless. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Disappointment washes over me when I realize things are not going the way I had planned, one curve ball hitting me after the next. The music stops, and my cart takes a nosedive, falling quickly to the bottom, landing hard and messily.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">From rock bottom, I see the top, where my cart once was, where I had gotten to with my own inspiration and hard work, and realize how hard it will be to get back up there. I feel dejected, unmotivated, let down, so incredibly let down, and I don’t know that I even want to attempt to rise back up again. I want to curl up in a ball and take a week long nap, blaming everyone and everything for this fall. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Who is in charge of this ride anyway!? Why are people not more responsible? I paid for a ride that goes smoothly to the top, and stays there for a decent amount of time. I anticipate the slow and gradual fall that is inevitable, before going right back up. But changes mid-climb? Oh no. This was not expected. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Unmet expectations create the hardest falls, and landings most difficult to recover from. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I know this is where my the work lies. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I can’t take credit for the days I wake up motivated. That’s a gift from G-d, a head start. Those days are easy. When our expectations are met, it’s not hard to feel good. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">It’s the days where nothing seems to go right. The days you have to draw deep breaths and remind yourself that these curve balls are part of life, and without them, the good would feel mundane. The days that go off your expected plan, those days you have to take a moment to acknowledge the disappointment, tell yourself if's okay to be disappointed, and then decide to just get right back up. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Turn up the music, pop some corn, try not to anticipate where this ride will take you, and just go with it. </span></div>
Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-22386970011590466982016-10-04T23:50:00.002-04:002016-10-05T00:00:00.487-04:00All or Nothing <div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you read my poetry from when I was a young teenager, then you know. You know that I was an angsty, brooding, emo-music-listening-to kind of teenage cliche. I dripped black Sephora tears, bled in ardent poetry, and listened to way too much Linkin Park. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you read my articles on Chabad.org from my late teens, then you know as well. You saw my writing attitude shift into a more optimistic, spiritual, if not somewhat self-helpy, vibe. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Ask me which version of me was more real, more honest, and the answer is, well...neither. </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4q68rIWgnXmEgALmJG6j59FCsqk7B3qS4htCLkReGkY3dcIiBxvbpOE7i-OVcuelFonKMfjQrisKTKUlodbfGyO1kTcuk1b-NNtPIG4FufhkrUrJTdvvRpS8124Z0K_f2GT01IYZq4BBc/s1600/image47.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4q68rIWgnXmEgALmJG6j59FCsqk7B3qS4htCLkReGkY3dcIiBxvbpOE7i-OVcuelFonKMfjQrisKTKUlodbfGyO1kTcuk1b-NNtPIG4FufhkrUrJTdvvRpS8124Z0K_f2GT01IYZq4BBc/s320/image47.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I wasn't trying to be dishonest or inauthentic at either point. In fact, I was merely trying on these personas for size, and I took comfort in giving myself a label, so I could pretend I was all figured out. Really, I was just searching for an identity, in a world that I have always seen as either black or white. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What I needed was <i>balance</i>, in a world that I has always nudged me one way or another. What I needed to do was <i>something</i> instead of doing everything or nothing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The thing is, balance has always been a challenge for me. My room has always been either chaos, or meticulously organized and labeled. I got either A's or F's on exams. I worked tirelessly on a project or didn't do it at all. My day was either categorized as "amazing" or "awful", rarely anything in between. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The truth is my day is a cocktail of monotony, joy, sadness, anger, anxiety, excitement... not in that order nor limited to those emotions (how fun for my lucky husband!). It's taken me years to understand that life is not meant to be lived in an "all or nothing" frame of mind. It's not all great or all terrible... people are not all good or all evil... and most of us fall somewhere in the middle of the broad spectrum between perfection and failure. It's the very place I am learning to be comfortable in, and although I've always favored "insta" results, I am learning to appreciate the lifelong journey that is balance. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I am tempted to revert to my usual "all or nothing" state and veer far left or right, I pull over and stop to think how fortunate I am to live in world that is not just black or white, but painted in various shades of vibrant color. </span></div>
Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-6592213662980063862016-06-03T00:02:00.001-04:002016-06-03T00:34:48.347-04:0090's Kid<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">I am almost grateful to have grown up in Buffalo in the 90’s. It challenged me in ways children who grew up in coolers cities or more recent decades were not, and it forced me to become creative. I had to be a little more imaginative, than say a Brooklyn kid with Xbox, if I wanted to have fun. When I complained to my father that I was bored back then, he would say “You’re boring”. Which was true. So I quickly became un-boring.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">One hobby I took up was duck catching. We had a pond in our backyard that was home to a family of ducks. Their signature duck waddle gave me the impression that they would be slow enough to catch. This was not the case because, as it turned out, those things also have wings.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I wanted to watch a movie (and I REALLY did, because we weren’t really allowed to), I had to be completely committed to the cause. There were hangers involved, VCR rental companies, and lots of scheming. I discovered if I stick a pin in the back of the TV monitor, I could watch Arthur. There was a lot of static, but the way I saw it, fuzzy Arthur was better than no Arthur at all. Sometimes I could catch a rerun of Full House or if I was crazy lucky, a new episode of 7th Heaven. One night I found myself watching TV through a crack in my sister’s closet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">I created an Ebay account in my mother’s name and bid on used TV/VCR combos. To my delight I usually won the auctions, but I never actually paid for them because I didn’t have any money. Ebay frowned upon this behavior and eventually shut me down.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">I lied a lot, just to see if I could make people believe ridiculous stuff. Most times people were so bored themselves, they would believe me simply because they wanted it to be true.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I told some people Mary-Kate and Ashley lived down the block. I informed my little sister, Ita, and her friend that the music sensation Uncle Moishy took up residence in our basement. And to make things more exciting, his roommate was Uncle Pinchy. Technically Uncle Pinchy was a puppet, but once they were on board with Uncle Moishy, I figured it was believable that two uncles might live together. Plus these girls were like six, and what do six year olds really know about life anyway? I also tried to convince Ita (the target of most of my lies) that there was a family living in the manhole in our backyard. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We’d knock and knock on the waterhole and when no one answered, I’d shrug and say “Oh I guess they’re out of town.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ita loved when I made her shows, but I didn’t have any Barbies or little Fisher Price people to use as characters, so I used my big sisters’ old makeup. I assigned them names, occupations, and personalities. There’s still a tube of coral lipgloss hanging around somewhere in my parents house named Aunt Martha...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">I think it's safe to assume a child named Kale, growing up on the urban streets of Park Slope has not, nor will ever, experience any of that stuff. But it's the stuff that made me who I am today, and gave me the ability to think more inventively, and for that I am grateful. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH2pSPvQKIFuHD10lkMVw_mnHy_T2saKRaQhnuO3jXUq48ri3iDzhfRmSIxUYeVWdZmOf3uVgF5B0rN2vWnCawQ2djhsq7_r6FML9vmOowHsQB4Y7PGDS4ojHgcCf3YZTxZDuugW-tGlrW/s1600/90s-kid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black;"><img border="0" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH2pSPvQKIFuHD10lkMVw_mnHy_T2saKRaQhnuO3jXUq48ri3iDzhfRmSIxUYeVWdZmOf3uVgF5B0rN2vWnCawQ2djhsq7_r6FML9vmOowHsQB4Y7PGDS4ojHgcCf3YZTxZDuugW-tGlrW/s320/90s-kid.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-91633730670724275842012-12-30T04:25:00.001-05:002012-12-30T13:46:40.947-05:00The American Idol <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMOkcY0COcuF-pWUVYJemIbmJPEmuSYZtBpF86JQVku5RyNfzR-zYPAx5Bx_eny3DmRScJ03-Kdp-DT9m24i8B-6Sr7HC9OM95w7yiMffk722CY3KLPVDD6N8rzC2OO2U3KbR9YeBRiCfd/s1600/oscar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMOkcY0COcuF-pWUVYJemIbmJPEmuSYZtBpF86JQVku5RyNfzR-zYPAx5Bx_eny3DmRScJ03-Kdp-DT9m24i8B-6Sr7HC9OM95w7yiMffk722CY3KLPVDD6N8rzC2OO2U3KbR9YeBRiCfd/s400/oscar.jpg" width="318" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">You are not the most beautiful. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222;"><br />You are not the smartest.<br /><br />Or the the most talented.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222;">Contrary to what your mother has told you.<br /><br />You are<i> not</i> the best. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222;"><br /><br />If you have ever been told otherwise, you have been lied to. <br /><br />Not only are those "compliments" untrue: they are harmful.<br /><br />Why? Because those statements are not compliments; they are expectations. They are demands for perfection.<br /><br />It all began when you were just a helpless infant. “You are just the cutest little thing, aren't you?” they cooed, planting the seed that would only continue to grow. Not only were you the cutest, they told you; you were also the smartest and the funniest. Your identity and self-esteem grew to be wrapped up in being "the best". The pressure to stay on top was reaffirmed each time you were convinced that you were better than the rest. You were taught that your self worth was to be measured by how far your success outweighed the success of your peers. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222;">Eventually, you started to believe that your champion status was what made you special, and often felt inadequate when you could not measure up. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141414; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141414; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: large;">Society is obsessed with the pursuit of perfection. We extol success and idolize winners. Consider the Olympics, or the tens of reality shows that
have people vying for the ultimate title; a medal for every
talent you can imagine is fought for and coveted (even marriage is
competed for!). Never mind the fact that next season there will be a
new winner, and each season after that. Never mind that the best will
always be replaced by better.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: large;">Ever
wonder why celebrities appear the least secure? Why supermodels do coke in the bathroom at the party? Why talented artists are found
dead in their mansions and accomplished actors check into rehab
like the rest of us go to the spa? These people are decidedly the
closest to perfection as humanly possible, so why are they the most
miserable?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141414; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141414; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: large;">Why?
Because people are not meant to be perfect, and even if airbrush and
plastic surgery can fool their audience for a while, no one can keep
it up forever. One day they will be photographed with no makeup on.
One day someone younger and more talented will replace them at the
top. Grammys and Oscars will just serve as reminders of their
"shortcomings". They are miserable because we have placed
unfair expectations on them, and the pressure to live up to those
impossible labels is just too much to handle.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">So
if being a gold medalist is your dream, if only coming in first is
acceptable, you are setting yourself up for failure every day. It
is a fools game to try to be "the best". It is impossible.
You don't have to be better than everyone else to be great or
virtuous; you have to try to be better than </span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>you</i></span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">.
There is always going to be someone more beautiful, more intelligent,
and more talented than you. And that's okay. You are not the best,
and the good news is, you don't have to be. There is nothing perfect
about perfection.</span></span></span></span><br />
<div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">
</span></div>
</div>
Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-72827442073828696952012-09-25T11:25:00.000-04:002012-09-25T11:26:53.169-04:00Of Prayer <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large;">Some prayers are to be played in double bass,
low and intimate; whispered like secrets. </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large;"><br style="orphans: 2; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" />
<br style="orphans: 2; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" />
<span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% white;">Others are to be played on black and white keys,
loud and lyrical; lighthearted. </span><br style="orphans: 2; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" />
<br style="orphans: 2; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" />
<span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% white;">And some few are to be screamed, raised from the
ashes of the core. They are to be performed on a stage of thousand violins. And
they are to reach a pitch so high, only G-d can hear it.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large;"><span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% white;"> *** </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times","serif"; font-size: 18.0pt;"><span style="background: white;"><span style="float: none; orphans: 2; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></span>Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-82076564786298767122012-09-25T08:13:00.000-04:002012-09-25T09:54:30.330-04:00Mystical Marijuana <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We are broken</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Well-intended, still we're
flawed</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">An Illusionist performs
before us</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">But we're seldom ever awed</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We search for other
spirits</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Place our faith in clever
frauds
</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We trip on magic
substances</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Lest we ever trip on G-d</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The hunger is profound</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It consumes us from within</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">For it is born of a desire</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Far more potent than even that of
sin</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The lust for any drug</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Is a spiritual facade</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">For it is simply the soul's craving </span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">For a relationship with
G-d</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxB1kjq6NM_74ML2x7AH9s0_VdYJbkfofqTQB44eYYjDKGt-RefHcegdtLyO83J3GHhL6yalwINW3P1Y7O1aWWXKTPKlAzYqwDwo6PL_njcQFWfFN979aqGmnHsrjVt7BD6WU7rioR_yic/s1600/marijuana_leaf.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxB1kjq6NM_74ML2x7AH9s0_VdYJbkfofqTQB44eYYjDKGt-RefHcegdtLyO83J3GHhL6yalwINW3P1Y7O1aWWXKTPKlAzYqwDwo6PL_njcQFWfFN979aqGmnHsrjVt7BD6WU7rioR_yic/s320/marijuana_leaf.gif" width="304" /></a></div>
<br />Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-75001923001421688102012-08-10T14:02:00.000-04:002013-10-31T17:37:38.203-04:00How I Feel About Things<span style="font-family: georgia,serif; font-size: medium;">How I felt when I thought I was going to Israel for $350:<br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><img height="241" src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4oz49JBh91r79k32.gif" width="431" /><br />
</span><span style="font-family: georgia,serif; font-size: medium;"><br />
How I felt when I learned I would not, in fact, go to Israel for $350: <br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><img height="246" src="http://i.imgur.com/xPQGK.gif" width="342" /><br />
</span><span style="font-family: georgia,serif; font-size: medium;"><br />
<br />
When I'm on a date and a guy asks me what my hobbies are, I'm just like:</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: georgia,serif;"> </span><br />
</span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: georgia,serif; text-align: left;">
<a href="http://i39.tinypic.com/10eg085.gif" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i39.tinypic.com/10eg085.gif" /></a><span style="font-size: medium;"></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
</div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: medium;">When I accidentally came to work an hour early and was confused about how I was the first one there:</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><img height="243" src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lv5898aegd1qbgifp.gif" width="234" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">When my friends mock me for riding a shopping cart down Kingston in high school, I'm like: </span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><img height="306" src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lznrbjpMJu1qffkze.gif" width="501" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">When someone in CH says "Good Shabbos" to me:<br />
<br />
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/hy6ay.gif" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">When people don't get my sarcasm and assume I'm just mean: </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><img src="http://i39.tinypic.com/34t3194.gif" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">When a cop gave my friend a ticket for putting her feet up in the subway she was like:</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
<img height="196" src="http://i.imgur.com/khMdc.gif" width="349" /><br />
<br />
But I was like: <br />
<br />
<img height="239" src="http://i.imgur.com/kg2ws.gif" width="349" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">When someone who isn't religious asks me what Sukkos is: <br />
<br />
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/Rc6ae.gif" /></span>
</div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Simchas Beis in crown heights:<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpxitdYq4b1qbmf8z.gif" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Friday night at CAY: <br />
<img height="263" src="http://i.imgur.com/N9uFH.gif" width="352" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: georgia,serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div>
Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427295248499478961noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-60078191808594698352012-03-11T04:42:00.000-04:002014-10-02T11:56:52.640-04:00Adam & Eve...and Steve<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">The Garden of Eden was nothing like I expected. I looked
down at Google Maps on my iPhone and it assured me that I had indeed arrived at
my destination. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;">But something wasn't right. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;"><br /></span>
</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr8SB-h5zEfMAXdkAGM_wcOAUVYNyWb47LzOAVTggXZKJy52lv_hMP8RIG2RwWdAhKp2Uu0GGf0nluPObtV6t1l5UVM1F-MCTFfQou-nPYWADOSpa47WCfq8jYZbzLdoFYNTxE0DFrVK-Z/s1600/silver-apple-logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;">For starters, I imagined I might be greeted by an angel of some
sort, or at the very least, Adam and Eve themselves would usher me into paradise. Instead, a man named Ty welcomed me into an air-conditioned glass cube</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;">. Ty was wearing a suit. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;">I felt like Alice when she fell into the rabbit hole. Where were the turquoise skies, the <span style="background-color: white;">picturesque gardens, and</span><span style="background-color: white;"> manicured lawns? There were no l</span><span style="background-color: white;">ush green trees, in fact, there was little trace of greenery at all. Luscious plants were substituted with silver gizmos and richly pigmented flowers were replaced by r</span><span style="background-color: white;">ainbow hued gadgets</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">with white </span><span style="background-color: white;">nuclei</span><span style="background-color: white;">. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">And in lieu of succulent red apples, in the center of nirvana, </span><span style="background-color: white;">there was a great big monochrome Apple suspended in the
air like a shrine.</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioTOGyukiuXFuiFIsh1_FPdQAdDykMGByWMQxMv_2tDz48SAzpwcnQOvX6d163dC79MfNfo_fYtu1mKvsN9vE-bpQLB6_AdZAN4pWsSU6I-WeyDUISpFuCFFwoyXeIlX856JAauD1pOSY/s1600/silver-apple-logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"></span></a><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr8SB-h5zEfMAXdkAGM_wcOAUVYNyWb47LzOAVTggXZKJy52lv_hMP8RIG2RwWdAhKp2Uu0GGf0nluPObtV6t1l5UVM1F-MCTFfQou-nPYWADOSpa47WCfq8jYZbzLdoFYNTxE0DFrVK-Z/s1600/silver-apple-logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr8SB-h5zEfMAXdkAGM_wcOAUVYNyWb47LzOAVTggXZKJy52lv_hMP8RIG2RwWdAhKp2Uu0GGf0nluPObtV6t1l5UVM1F-MCTFfQou-nPYWADOSpa47WCfq8jYZbzLdoFYNTxE0DFrVK-Z/s320/silver-apple-logo.png" height="320" width="256" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;">Ty led me down a spiral staircase and through rows of wooden
tables boasting the latest technologies. Then we arrived before the MacBook
Air.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;">My breath couldn't help but escape my lips in a whistle. It was amazingly, provokingly, arrestingly, beautiful.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">“Lift it,” he urged softly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">I looked at the price tag.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">“Oh no, I couldn’t,” I responded, shaking my head, “I couldn't possibly afford it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">Ty smiled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">“That’s okay,” he said, “You don’t have to buy it; just feel how
light and feathery it is.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">I was tempted. <span style="background-color: white;">But I knew how these salespeople worked.
First they would assure me that I wouldn’t have to do anything I didn’t
want to. They would then take me through a Powerpoint presentation, illustrating the kind of life I could have if I were to indulge. A good salesman would make me wonder how I lived for so long without the product. And in the end,
when I swiped my card and took home yet another toy I never needed,
they would lead me to believe it was my idea in the first place. Then they would </span><span style="background-color: white;">pocket the commission. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">“Go on,” he coaxed, gently nudging me toward the mouthwateringly
thin, gorgeously sleek laptop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">Despite my better judgment, despite the voice in my head, and
despite my celebrated self-control, I reached down and picked it up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">It felt like a cloud in my hands.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">I thought about my chunky HP back at home; a heifer in comparison. <span style="background-color: white;">Although I had to admit
I liked the comfort of the familiar operating system, PC’s just seemed
so- I don’t know…</span><i style="background-color: white;">90’s</i><span style="background-color: white;">. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">Ty’s coaxing had absolutely nothing to do with this decision. I came to this conclusion on my own. My PC was constantly contracting viruses and
more importantly, it didn’t have an Apple logo on its face. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">I needed MacBook Air.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">Oh come on, don’t judge me. You’d have done it too; in fact
chances are you already have. Even Eve understood the lure of an Apple…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">***<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">Moral of the story?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">Never trust your GPS. My iPhone hadn’t led me to paradise. It
certainly wasn’t the Garden of Eden. But there were snakes. Tens of them. Charming, cajoling, sweet-talking serpents.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">And they’re not just at the Apple store- they’re everywhere.
They’re in the dressing rooms at Barneys. Driving glossy Mercedes’ on your way
to work. They broadcast on your LED flat-screens and parade on the billboards at the side of
the Manhattan Bridge. They’re dressed in suits on Wall Street and wearing
Chanel on Fifth. They convince you that the key to happiness is everywhere but
within you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">So you want the real moral?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">Never trust a serpent in a suit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnMFvVRfiAYzR2Ey4i-Srl_mNHd5HhjLgcHSySaYlHn4qvzmLQWwJdFMLwbsAs1IDJeueukQq6JdtYuuiThjkqJ9dvhCF2jE3ufZhZpYNPTxOulqc2AW-as1zCiljcM-9sOxVgoMpanbY/s1600/snake-tie-suit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"></span></a></div>
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<br />mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-63704478411854895832012-03-05T10:52:00.001-05:002012-09-27T17:42:11.491-04:00When Stealing is A Mitzvah Part Deux<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;">When
I was a kid my father called me “Mushka Pushkah” and
it gave me a sense of entitlement to all things Pushka-related.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;">One
day I was playing in my father’s office when I saw the very thing that rhymed
with my name. It stood there enticing me, teasing me with delicious coins
and beautiful green bills. “Free money!” it seemed to call, “Mushka Pushkah’s
free money!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;">Although
the ramifications of stealing had not yet fully matured in my conscious, I was aware that it was considered
undesirable behavior. But here was the good news: a) I was alone b) we
had a plethora of tzedakah boxes in my house and c) my parents believed Mushka Pushkah could do no wrong and didn't believe in punishing cute things. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;">When
I was sure the coast was clear, I scooped up the canister in the bottom of my
dress, folded it up and scurried behind my living room couch. Once in hiding I
dumped the contents on the floor and began to gleefully count my treasure. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;">I
had not yet gotten to five dollars when I felt something breathing on my head. Startled,
I looked up to see my big brother Nochum, who appeared extremely triumphant to
have found me in this compromising position. My face grew hot and I got a
nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. An odd sense of shame came over me when I realized
that my parents would soon learn that Mushka Pushkah could, in fact, do wrong. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;">“Omigosh,
you’re a ganiv!” he shouted. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;">“No,
I amn’t!” I countered defensively. I wasn’t entirely sure what “ganiv” meant
but from the tone in which he said it I was roughly certain it didn’t mean “bubalah”
or “tzadeikis” or any of the other things my parents told me I was. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjT25XXKVG5lRjw0_iekTGAjs8PaeKjBSjM1Mf6jwuVrdA9KjgEep80WNusnW65dXHeJ1-TT3AZu4g9JxtPIiTAJ-MPfVhs9GEdk-yKG4y0_Yzj-Kje7GPrwiq6-rwb1-dZ8zNQI8i_aIf/s1600/Quentin+Blake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="277" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjT25XXKVG5lRjw0_iekTGAjs8PaeKjBSjM1Mf6jwuVrdA9KjgEep80WNusnW65dXHeJ1-TT3AZu4g9JxtPIiTAJ-MPfVhs9GEdk-yKG4y0_Yzj-Kje7GPrwiq6-rwb1-dZ8zNQI8i_aIf/s400/Quentin+Blake.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;">I
tried to think of a good reason for why I was counting tzedakah money in
secrecy but before I could get another word in he had already skipped into the
kitchen, chanting, “Ganiv, ganiv,” and other things that made me feel very
uncomfortable. My indiscretion seemed to both excite him and bother him a great
deal. <br />
<br />
Timeout gave me time to reflect on what I’d done and consider what it was that had
led me to this particular act of immorality. I did not need this money, I reasoned. I had other means of
obtaining things I wanted without paying for them myself. When my mother took
me to Tops I would sneak Gushers and Fruit-Roll-Ups on the conveyer belt when
she wasn’t looking. In addition, I solicited money from guests who frequented my
home- a rent fee, if you will. Then of course there was the allowance I
earned from entertaining my father when he was bored. I was wealthy kid, with
over ten dollars in honest savings, so it was difficult for me to pinpoint the
psychological implications of my behavior. But the thing about soul searching
is that it is awfully exhausting, so after counting to twenty a few times in my
head, I attributed my delinquency to the adrenaline rush and promptly released
myself from Timeout. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 10pt;">I
left a new person. I was rehabilitated and ready to put this incident behind
me. But it appeared that Nochum wasn't quite as ready. The next day at school, a random boy marched over to me, said, “I heard you’re a ganiv” then walked away.
Now I had forgiven Nochum for lots of things in the past, including but not
limited to subtly pinching me in the hallways between classes, attacking me
with a bomb called eau de toilet and demonstrating the art of Indian Burns on my arms .
But this was a whole nother level of cruelty. This was the end of my reputation
at Jewish Heritage. I was finished. I would not be able to sit with the cool
kids at lunch or participate in Elimination at recess…unless something drastic
was done to divert attention away from my questionable ethics. I had to
reinvent myself- and quickly- before I was outcast. Goody, I thought to myself,
here was a chance to showcase my spectacular talents. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-65141186521919609732012-03-05T02:08:00.001-05:002012-03-10T20:13:46.425-05:00The Boss of Me<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"What is the name of the account holder’s first childhood friend?’ inquired the Sprint customer care representative, assisting me on a case of unlimited texting. How Nochum came to acquire the noble position of account holder, I'm not exactly sure, but in any event, he did.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKYZaNo0kNFXCrz-U1I_2oDNF9QalCJSD5w8IPMRCrsnlHvTgeYHZF-u4jzNj6F4CwLPXJ1sHkq6iM2SsOzo6Taw48Gc_rXJDFBeI_0D8ZHP1-u5Nu3xwRe0Gh_SuCDwgRtCGllQjkbLo/s1600/good-boss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="color: black;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKYZaNo0kNFXCrz-U1I_2oDNF9QalCJSD5w8IPMRCrsnlHvTgeYHZF-u4jzNj6F4CwLPXJ1sHkq6iM2SsOzo6Taw48Gc_rXJDFBeI_0D8ZHP1-u5Nu3xwRe0Gh_SuCDwgRtCGllQjkbLo/s320/good-boss.jpg" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="apple-style-span">I took a moment to recall the crowd Nochum
ran in back in the day. Easy. I was there. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Jonathon,” I offered.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Incorrect.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Aaron?” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Also not true.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Is it me?” I asked, hopeful. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Possibly. Who are you?” she
asked. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Mushka.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Oh, then no.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I went on to name all the kids he
went to preschool and elementary school with. None of which unlocked the account. After
my sixth or seventh try it had become evident that I did not know the account
holder’s first childhood friend and likely that I did not know the account
holder at all.</span><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">
<br />
<span class="apple-style-span">Puzzled, I called Nochum. “Who was your
childhood best friend?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Why?” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“You know why.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="apple-style-span">I could practically hear him
smile over the phone. Oh, the quality of our Sprint service.</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
<br /><span class="apple-style-span">"Ah, you want the answer to the secret question..." </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="apple-style-span">"Yeah."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="apple-style-span">There was a short pause as he debated whether I was worthy to be granted permissions to enter the sacred Sprint account. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Fine," he said.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Shmuel Munkis."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="apple-style-span">He said it matter of fact, like perhaps I should have known. </span></span><span class="apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Of course I should have. This had Nochum written all over it. He has that subtle kind of humor that makes you wonder if he's trying to be funny or actually is. It was also obnoxious. But I had to commend him for his genius. He made complete
fools out of every one of us, including my parents who listed about ten
different nicknames for Jonathon. Jonny, Jon-Jon, Jono were all tried, in desperate attempt to
break the code. But Nochum was always one step ahead and now find it nearly impossible to answer the
secret question without giggling, which in turn means I can’t add more
‘’amenities” to my plan. Was this the idea all along? Possibly. I believe Nochum to be the secret family mastermind.
For all I know he pays my tuition, runs the Jewish Discovery Center, wires us
weekly allowances and collects our airline miles all from his dorm room in 1414.</span><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Thanks bro. You're all kinds of hilarious, smart and ridiculously good looking....</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ps. Can I get unlimited texting?</span></div>mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-8650532212554455342011-11-16T00:30:00.011-05:002012-04-25T14:56:32.539-04:00You've Got [Hate] Mail<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span class="Apple-style-span"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiShkqNqDuSoEAQVppQ_UUTxo_p7SQ_bGtAumpKrjDubwWB-iTQhUzkt592V81rtMVEMKA7d6rwWYY1_fYVLSAb89eHkCWpuyIR0rmgkx41mYGaJAOj7g0EqDwFjfdKJRgGESI5_p0FJlY/s1600/hate+mail.png"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5675465467730327186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiShkqNqDuSoEAQVppQ_UUTxo_p7SQ_bGtAumpKrjDubwWB-iTQhUzkt592V81rtMVEMKA7d6rwWYY1_fYVLSAb89eHkCWpuyIR0rmgkx41mYGaJAOj7g0EqDwFjfdKJRgGESI5_p0FJlY/s200/hate+mail.png" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 187px; margin: 0 0 10px 10px; width: 200px;" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 14px;">You know you’ve made it in life when you receive your very first hate mail. To be fair, mine was only from one person and it wasn’t so much hate-mail as it was hateful comments on my blog. But still. His huge, effervescent personality made it feel like a lot of people . And that made me feel pretty special.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 14px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 14px;">Here are some of my all-time favorites:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 14px;"> </span> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><b><span style="background-color: #fff9e7; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Anonymous said…”I don't tell the cashier at Shop-Rite my name. Why should I tell it to you? You are less than she is. She does a necessary job and gets paid the salary the market says she deserves. You are fed by donations as your cult has created an artificial market for useless services.” </span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 115%;">Finally. I am getting credit for my contribution to the </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;">economy. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 115%;">I mean, sure, sometimes I just wake up and think, ‘Hey I’m going to create a market today.’ And then…Bam, I just do. Then I set up Paypal accounts so I can funnel funds from unknowing fools into my artificial market. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">And I do this all from a real live cult.</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">This guy is making me look super cool. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Then he goes ahead and says this:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="apple-style-span"><b><span style="background-color: #fff9e7; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Anonymous said…</span></b></span><span class="apple-style-span"><b><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> “If I save one person from falling for your bull$#@! and the bull$#&! of your cult, I will have truly saved a life.</span>”</b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Where does this guy come from? He is great. And the best part is the above comment came just after this one:</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Anonymous said... “Your beliefs cause much damage and even loss of human life. human life has no real value anyway. we're just chemicals thrown together. deal with it instead of living in a fantasy world.”</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px; line-height: 14px;">Isn’t he fun?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p>If you aren't already smitten, read this little gem: </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><b><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Anonymous said... </span></b><span class="apple-style-span"><b><span style="background-color: #fff9e7; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">“The internet is everyone's place. You are no one and nothing. People like you wash floors and polish shoes for people like me. You are a member of a destructive cult, which detracts from the potential of human achievement and stifles freedom of thought.</span>”<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">What. A. Gentleman. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-color: #fff9e7; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">I was only trying to be nice when I responded by saying that he sounded like he needed a hug.Or that a sense of humor might do him some good. But apparently my good intentions were not very well received. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="background-color: #fff9e7; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Anonymous said…“I have a fine sense of humor. And your cult prohibits you from giving me a hug. If you did hug me, I would respond by doing the Chabad thing; sticking a knife up your back.</span>”</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-color: #fff9e7; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Ouchie. </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-color: #fff9e7; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">But then he made it all better when he commented under my post about how I wanted to climb a rainbow and sip champagne on the moon. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><b><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Anonymous said... </span></b><span class="apple-style-span"><b><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">“Are you on LSD? To believe what you believe and write like this, I would say you are.</span>” </b></span><span class="apple-style-span"><b><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Now there’s the fine sense of humor we’ve all been hearing about. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 14px;">What. A. Gem. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/528717_345188408851553_280494985320896_869235_788493586_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/528717_345188408851553_280494985320896_869235_788493586_n.jpg" width="194" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-51213131459441166802011-11-08T16:22:00.005-05:002012-05-01T13:15:19.593-04:00Dear Mark Zukerberg<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
If Mark Zukerberg really cared about us like he claims he does, he would do what Megavideo does to crazy mofos who spend too much time on cyber crack dens.When you have been logged in for more than 72 minutes, you would get a popup.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">It would go a little something like this:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="line-height: 115%;">You have enjoyed 72 minutes of Facebook today. Please wait 25 minutes or click here to buy a life.</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br />
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Of course, it wouldn’t keep us all off. Do you know that there are actual websites dedicated to showing users how to bypass the Megavideo time limit? I suspect that the same people who frequent those websites will figure out a way to bypass the Facebook thing too. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br />
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">But most importantly, I wouldn’t know how to. And I can’t follow instructions, so I wouldn’t learn how. And I know there are other computer illiterates out there who wouldn’t be able to either. So this popup will have effectively saved a considerable portion of our population. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: georgia;">
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Wow. This is a great idea. Why hasn’t Mark Z called me yet?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: georgia;">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://future.fluidmedia.ws/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/megavideo-time-limit-300x167.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://future.fluidmedia.ws/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/megavideo-time-limit-300x167.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 206px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 371px;" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: small;"> </span>mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-1534405873058916702011-10-30T23:32:00.013-04:002012-01-24T23:33:05.610-05:00Creative Genius Solves Shidduch Crisis<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I have just thought of a most genius website. It really just came to me, as most genius ideas do. Probably in the same manner that Facebook came to Mark. Upon its debut you will be astounded. This site will blow your mind. It will change your life. In fact, I'd venture to guess it will solve the infamous shidduch crisis and change the lives of all the people you care about too.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;">Say you like a guy. Or a girl. But say his name is Yossi. And you would like to date this Yossi. Luckily for you, I have created this ingenious website. You type it in your browser and find his profile. You click the ‘date me’ button below his photo. Now, one of two pop-ups will pop up. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;">If the destiny gods hate you; you will get the following popup:</span><span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="background-color: white; color: black;">Model #644 is currently out of stock.Unavailable. You cannot date him. He will not pick you up in a rented/borrowed/owned vehicle. He will not buy you a twelve dollar drink in a dimly lit hotel lobby. You will not get to know him. You will not pass Go. You will not marry him. And here’s why.</span></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="background-color: white; color: black;">He is...</span></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="background-color: white; color: black;">a) Busy. Dating other people who are not you.</span></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="background-color: white; color: black;">b) Not ready for marriage. Because he is still in Huggies</span></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="background-color: white; color: black;">c) Not interested in you. At all.</span></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="background-color: white; color: black;">d) All of the above.</span></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="background-color: white; color: black;">But before you let your little feelings get crushed and hurt, may we recommend these similar candidates we think you’ll enjoy.</span></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;">The website will then generate a list of men/women similar in looks, characteristics, religious level and personality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;">This is obviously a very genius concept. I will be ridiculously successful. I will become a millionaire. I will be famous.“Creative Genius Solves Shidduch Crisis,” the Crownheights.info report will read. There will be a photo of me and several photos my *doppelgangers who you will be more than welcome to date.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;">You're welcome.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">*dop·pel·gäng·er</span></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">/</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">ˈ</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">d</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">ä</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">p</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">ə</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">l</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">ˌ</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">gaNG</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">ə</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: small;">r/</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-size: small;">Noun: </span><span style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">An apparition or double of a living person.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEriZH0wXv0Tr_2HXNT93mpPJNr3Zfglsd8LBSGq1vi8SOQgG3VXqwlaEbygFTkbd6sA1p6GMMqXtP1F-VTVxYc3V_Gtfw1hKkzWOtNzKWRGTOZSF8Ld1AnMtPtHUXdjxhq3F93jnCAMc/s1600/1310378-L.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEriZH0wXv0Tr_2HXNT93mpPJNr3Zfglsd8LBSGq1vi8SOQgG3VXqwlaEbygFTkbd6sA1p6GMMqXtP1F-VTVxYc3V_Gtfw1hKkzWOtNzKWRGTOZSF8Ld1AnMtPtHUXdjxhq3F93jnCAMc/s400/1310378-L.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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</div>mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-87902544176957342452011-10-30T14:16:00.016-04:002011-10-31T00:05:50.819-04:00Candy for the Soul<div style="text-align: left;">If you find yourself craving a spiritual high, chase it. Run after it like you've never run before. Take the next ski lift to spiritual CandyLand. Indulge in the sugar rush. Jump off the Ferris Wheel just as it nears the peek. Climb the stairs in the seven layered skies. Become a hippie. Say outrageously trippy things that only you understand. Talk about G-d like you know Him. Don't mind the naysayers. If you want to fly, fly.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: justify;">But as long as you have the impelling urge to fly you have not risen high enough. Go higher. Deeper. Closer. </div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">The sign that you’ve achieved the G-dliness you were searching for is that you’re ready to fall back down again.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">And when that feeling surrounds you, fall. Slowly. Don't leave pieces of yourself in the clouds. Come back to earth. Taking the G-dliness from your trip down with you as you go. Do as that awesome book suggests: Bring heaven back down to earth.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGVtqEPnVd1ANQgb1RHwljZ6lsrmV8YkB48Q7Y4Nn-aMfn5xNYiGB0FEadEAKc6NiQZfhYVpmCvoJbd_ZT5qo1YEaI-hXn5_AoCTz2r3OkWZCuLuR4tBaxHa6o1luUC17xTzvgyKdSN5k/s200/lollipop1.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5669502529530073010" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 130px; height: 200px; " /></span></div>mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-51306449314503520582011-10-18T01:36:00.013-04:002012-01-24T23:51:54.549-05:0025 more things you may have never wished to know about me. but then again, you're reading them anyway, aren't you? why yes, you are<div style="text-align: left;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 100%;">For reasons I can’t really explain, I am dying to jump out of a plane. </span><span style="font-size: large;">And do other things that will make my heart race astonishingly fast</span><span style="font-size: 100%;">...</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; line-height: 18px;">I’m an adrenaline junkie...</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; line-height: 18px;">There is something about dawn I find intoxicating. I only wish I were awake to see it more often....</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; line-height: 18px;">But then again, there is a little thing called REM, which is pretty amazing too. So it's a toss-up really. Except it's not. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-size: large;">Because the toastiness of curling up in bed is like G-d giving you a giant hug</span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; line-height: 18px;">...</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">I’ve lived away from home for ten years ago and I'm only twenty. So if you think about it, I basically raised myself. Knowing this makes me feel super cool...</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: large;">I still have a very hard time understanding why “a whole nother” is not proper English...</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">I really, really want to go to the moon. And I am getting kind of impatient waiting for it to happen...</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I subscribe to the belief that you may wear rainboots even if it’s not raining.</span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;"> Just as you may wear sneakers even if you’re not running, flipflops even if you’re not at the beach and riding boots even if you aren't on a horse. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">And I pity the fool who doesn't recognize the soundness of that logic</span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">...</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">I find it kinda funny that in order to sound like a decent human being on Facebook, you have to cram your messages with excitable characters like </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">lol</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;"> and :</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">):):)</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;"> and </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">!!!!</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">With all of Facebook’s design updates, <span style="font-size: large;">shouldn't they come up with better way to sound non-intimidating without overdosing on flirtatious emoticons? ;)</span>.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">...</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">I understand that humor doesn’t translate well via email and sarcasm is often misinterpreted for spite. That’s why I think there ought to be a button you can press when you want your comment to be interpreted in sarcasm. Another for when you want to sound nice. And a whole nother one for when you actually intend to be mean...</span><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">I am technologically challenged. But I still like to pretend I know the difference between 3g and 4g...</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-size: large;">It turns out that I am not, in fact, smarter than a fifth grader</span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">....</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">Which makes sense since most of my knowledge comes from Snapple facts. And I heard they lie...</span><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">I wish I could time travel to biblical times and chill with King Shlomo....</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">Music is like a drug to me. Makes me feel alive. Except jazz. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Jazz makes me want to punch things.</span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">...</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">These are the guys that once made me want to write: Dr. Suess. Louis Sachar. Roald Dahl....</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">And the guys that keep me wanting to: David Sadaris. Jake Dubbs. Allie Brosh. Joel Stein....</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: large;">This list is the product of insomnia induced psychosis....</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%;">I think I’ll go to sleep now.</span></div>
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</div>mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-86409753388476645632011-10-16T16:35:00.000-04:002011-10-16T16:35:33.077-04:00Sholom RubashkinIt's kind of incredible that two minutes out of <i>your</i> day can alter the course of a life. If you haven't already done so, or have friends who haven't signed the petition for Sholom Rubashkin please click on <a href="https://wwws.whitehouse.gov/petitions#!/petition/call-investigation-allegations-prosecutorial-judicial-misconduct-case-sholom-rubashkin/tj7Fx42T">this link</a> and sign. Then share.<br />
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<br />mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-79462743442721246732011-09-02T14:33:00.012-04:002023-07-24T18:06:21.307-04:00Friday, September 2, 2011<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia;">I fear not my flaws. I fear not my end of days.</span></div>
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It’s of this strength inside me, that I am most afraid.</div>
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I’m in love with my angels. My demons. Their foes.</div>
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Could I fall in love with the person they created. I think so.</div>
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But it's a different kind of fear. Makes my heart soar. My psalms scream.</div>
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It’s not binding me to earth; it's urging me to dream.</div>
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I fear not my flaws. I fear not my end of days.</div>
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It’s of the strength inside me, that I am most afraid. </div>
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Some have greatness inborn, some will grow with fate.</div>
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But it’s of my belief, that we are all great.</div>
</span>mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7764758739967977877.post-16079766826202053752011-08-14T02:25:00.035-04:002012-03-10T20:57:02.717-05:00Don’t Feed The Stalkers<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu8jT7DagQcM0DG6Jwq3d2QoNOTv2QA-rXETIPihPi7O2VTKWIufJknXNDSNHFDE8dHkxq89TCsc9Jbnrk0Op-CdvYTqCxqkDJqQosxiLWMCFfe-gERYWq6-vvr31jRhmr1fuzVNNznVY/s1600/are_you_a_facebook_stalker.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5640596732919493746" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu8jT7DagQcM0DG6Jwq3d2QoNOTv2QA-rXETIPihPi7O2VTKWIufJknXNDSNHFDE8dHkxq89TCsc9Jbnrk0Op-CdvYTqCxqkDJqQosxiLWMCFfe-gERYWq6-vvr31jRhmr1fuzVNNznVY/s320/are_you_a_facebook_stalker.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 230px; margin: 0 0 10px 10px; width: 320px;" /></a></span><span style="text-align: left;">You see a face on the street. Or maybe it's on the train. It’s a guy. Or a girl. A mutual friend. A perfect stranger. But the face is not new. No, it's imminently familiar. Just like their first name. Their hometown. Their surname too. You have never been formally introduced. Never spoken a word- verbal or written- to them. Nonetheless, you feel as though you know them. Intimately. And it makes you feel strange inside.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">You try to hide this as best you could. If you meet them you inquire their name. Nonchalantly. As though you have never heard of them in your life. The truth is, courtesy of Facebook, you know more about them than you would ever care to admit. Information like their relationship status, political views, taste in music and other intel you suspect you should not know. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span">As you interrogate them further, asking about their interests and other things you’ve already read about in their profile, you begin to feel like a fraud. The entire conversation is a verbal obstacle course where you must dodge select topics, crawl around certain matters and jump over familiar territory. It's a skill, really, since the entire duration you speak in constant fear that you will accidentally slip their self-written quote and give yourself away. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span">It’s terribly exhausting. Yet few of us are confident enough to admit how we got into this awkward dance to begin with. We’re so afraid of coming off stalker-ish when the real ludicrousness of if all is- and here’s where it gets fun- people obviously <i>like</i> getting stalked. Dare I suggest, they actually solicit it. How else to account for the millions of Facebook accounts and Twitters and blogs; all networks dedicated to documenting every random wave that surfaces in our brains.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span">It all begins with that narcissistic bone in our bodies that quietly asks to be fed. She starts in a whisper. A harmless status. An innocent note. Her voice grows louder with photo uploads and video links. She’s often hungry. Riddled with cravings for designer clothing, luxury cars and shameless self-promotion on the internet. Things that make us appear genius and awesome. You can pick up munchies for your inner narcissist at your nearest shopping mall or if you're feeling splurgey, take her out for a five star dinner at the car dealership. For a quick fix, though, Facebook is your man.<br /><br />But thou shalt not be greedy. After all, stalkers need to eat too. Throw your adoring fans a bone with note, tease them with a mysterious status hors d'ouevre and if they're really good, upload a delicious photo album. Mmm.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span"><br />I do not wish to imply that everything we do is done for the sake of an audience, nor would I suggest that it isn't. But I invite you to think. Consider how much info swapping we do in only 24 hours. </span><span class="Apple-style-span">E</span>ven if you aren't posting on the hour, chances are you are "liking" the posts of people who are.<br />
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Is it terribly damaging, impossibly self-indulgent and ruining our lives? I'm not ready to get that condemnatory. Mostly because I will be posting this on my Facebook and then hurling sheep at random FB friends.</div>
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And I'd like to blame Zukerberg for the ramifications, whatever they may be. Or Tom, if you want to get chronological. These guys took those of us that might have been unassuming, flung us in the social network sphere, and coughed us up all attention-seeking and "like" happy. As I scroll through unfiltered brainwaves on my news feed, I can't but wonder... In time, will we learn portion control or will we perpetually overfeed our stalkers?</div>
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</div>mushkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07410607673646141094noreply@blogger.com5