crown heightssss

So…I’m making the big move to the Big Apple, or more specifically- and far less glamorously- to the land of Crown Heights (Is it a land? A town? A city? One can never be sure). My friend, A. and I are on the prowl for an apartment, which, I have to say, is no easy task given the fact that I refuse to live in an underground hole and that A, native Crown Heights'er, wants a place, and I quote, “in Crown Heights but not among Crown Heights people.” I’m not even sure how that’s possible, but hey, why not.

So now I spend so much of my free time stalking realtors and speaking to renters (rentees?) I think I’ve almost picked up a bona fide Brooklyn accent. Yesss…

On the phone, this one guy kept referring to the apartment as “cozy”, which everyone knows is realtor code for “an authentic dump”. A tiny, authentic dump, no less. He didn’t confirm this but A. swears she could hear it in the undertones of his responses. Needless to say we won’t be renting the $700 a month, “cozy” studio apartment. Neither will be taking that “cute” pad on Montgomery street, or the “sweet” place down the block, for that matter. In fact, any adjective that can be used to describe a stuffed animal will be unacceptable.

And there I was, all along under the impression that New Yorkers were born with a “what you see is what you get” gene that the rest of us never got. Perhaps that is true for all the other boroughs, but certainly this is not the case in Brooklyn's world of real-estate. Candor is an unwelcome guest in this open house and asked to be left in one’s previous estate.

Call it what you want. Twisting the truth, a healthy “glass half full” mantra, or just plain cunning business, but seriously, come on. Here you’ve got people advertising closet sized dungeons with yellowing walls, having the chutzpah to call them “luxe condos”, throwing in words like “renovated” and “cozy” for good measure and, bam, they got them an ad on Crownheights.info.

Bottom line?

Apartment hunting in Crown H. is a fools errand.