Sunday, October 30, 2011

Creative Genius Solves Shidduch Crisis

I have just thought of a most genius website. It really just came to me, as most genius ideas do. Probably in the same manner that Facebook came to Mark. Upon its debut you will be astounded. This site will blow your mind. It will change your life. In fact, I'd venture to guess  it will solve the infamous shidduch crisis and change the lives of all the people you care about too.

Say you like a guy. Or a girl. But say his name is Yossi. And you would like to date this Yossi. Luckily for you, I have created this ingenious website. You type it in your browser and find his profile. You click the ‘date me’ button below his photo. Now, one of two pop-ups will pop up. 

If the destiny gods hate you; you will get the following popup:

Model #644 is currently out of stock.Unavailable. You cannot date him. He will not pick you up in a rented/borrowed/owned vehicle. He will not buy you a twelve dollar drink in a dimly lit hotel lobby. You will not get to know him. You will not pass Go. You will not marry him. And here’s why.

He is...

a) Busy. Dating other people who are not you.
b) Not ready for marriage. Because he is still in Huggies
c) Not interested in you. At all.
d) All of the above.

But before you let your little feelings get crushed and hurt, may we recommend these similar candidates we think you’ll enjoy.

The website will then generate a list of men/women similar in looks, characteristics, religious level and personality.

This is obviously a very genius concept. I will be ridiculously successful. I will become a millionaire. I will be famous.“Creative Genius Solves Shidduch Crisis,” the report will read. There will be a photo of me and several photos my *doppelgangers who you will be more than welcome to date.

You're welcome.

An apparition or double of a living person.


Candy for the Soul

If you find yourself craving a spiritual high, chase it. Run after it like you've never run before. Take the next ski lift to spiritual CandyLand. Indulge in the sugar rush. Jump off the Ferris Wheel just as it nears the peek. Climb the stairs in the seven layered skies. Become a hippie. Say outrageously trippy things that only you understand. Talk about G-d like you know Him. Don't mind the naysayers. If you want to fly, fly.

But as long as you have the impelling urge to fly you have not risen high enough. Go higher. Deeper. Closer.

The sign that you’ve achieved the G-dliness you were searching for is that you’re ready to fall back down again.

And when that feeling surrounds you, fall. Slowly. Don't leave pieces of yourself in the clouds. Come back to earth. Taking the G-dliness from your trip down with you as you go. Do as that awesome book suggests: Bring heaven back down to earth.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

25 more things you may have never wished to know about me. but then again, you're reading them anyway, aren't you? why yes, you are

For reasons I can’t really explain, I am dying to jump out of a plane. And do other things that will make my heart race astonishingly fast...I’m an adrenaline junkie...There is something about dawn I find intoxicating. I only wish I were awake to see it more often....But then again, there is a little thing called REM, which is pretty amazing too. So it's a toss-up really. Except it's not. Because the toastiness of curling up in bed is like G-d giving you a giant hug...I’ve lived away from home for ten years ago and I'm only twenty. So if you think about it, I basically raised myself. Knowing this makes me feel super cool...I still have a very hard time understanding why “a whole nother” is not proper English...I really, really want to go to the moon. And I am getting kind of impatient waiting for it to happen...I subscribe to the belief that you may wear rainboots even if it’s not raining. Just as you may wear sneakers even if you’re not running, flipflops even if you’re not at the beach and riding boots even if you aren't on a horse. And I pity the fool who doesn't recognize the soundness of that logic...I find it kinda funny that in order to sound like a decent human being on Facebook, you have to cram your messages with excitable characters like lol and :):):) and !!!!. With all of Facebook’s design updates, shouldn't they come up with better way to sound non-intimidating without overdosing on flirtatious emoticons? ;)....I understand that humor doesn’t translate well via email and sarcasm is often misinterpreted for spite. That’s why I think there ought to be a button you can press when you want your comment to be interpreted in sarcasm. Another for when you want to sound nice. And a whole nother one for when you actually intend to be mean...I am technologically challenged. But I still like to pretend I know the difference between 3g and 4g...It turns out that I am not, in fact, smarter than a fifth grader....Which makes sense since most of my knowledge comes from Snapple facts. And I heard they lie...I wish I could time travel to biblical times and chill with King Shlomo....Music is like a drug to me. Makes me feel alive. Except jazz. Jazz makes me want to punch things....These are the guys that once made me want to write: Dr. Suess. Louis Sachar. Roald Dahl....And the guys that keep me wanting to: David Sadaris. Jake Dubbs. Allie Brosh. Joel Stein....This list is the product of insomnia induced psychosis....I think I’ll go to sleep now.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Sholom Rubashkin

It's kind of incredible that two minutes out of your day can alter the course of a life. If you haven't already done so, or have friends who haven't signed the petition for Sholom Rubashkin please click on this link and sign. Then share.