Wednesday, November 16, 2011

You've Got [Hate] Mail

You know you’ve made it in life when you receive your very first hate mail. To be fair, mine was only from one person and it wasn’t so much hate-mail as it was hateful comments on my blog. But still. His huge, effervescent personality made it feel like a lot of people . And that made me feel pretty special.

Here are some of my all-time favorites:
Anonymous said…”I don't tell the cashier at Shop-Rite my name. Why should I tell it to you? You are less than she is. She does a necessary job and gets paid the salary the market says she deserves. You are fed by donations as your cult has created an artificial market for useless services.”

Finally. I am getting credit for my contribution to the economy. I mean, sure, sometimes I just wake up and think, ‘Hey I’m going to create a market today.’ And then…Bam, I just do. Then I set up Paypal accounts so I can funnel funds from unknowing fools into my artificial market.

And I do this all from a real live cult. 

This guy is making me look super cool.

Then he goes ahead and says this:

Anonymous said… “If I save one person from falling for your bull$#@! and the bull$#&! of your cult, I will have truly saved a life.

Where does this guy come from? He is great. And the best part is the above comment came just after this one:

Anonymous said... “Your beliefs cause much damage and even loss of human life. human life has no real value anyway. we're just chemicals thrown together. deal with it instead of living in a fantasy world.”

Isn’t he fun?
If you aren't already smitten, read this little gem:

Anonymous said... “The internet is everyone's place. You are no one and nothing. People like you wash floors and polish shoes for people like me. You are a member of a destructive cult, which detracts from the potential of human achievement and stifles freedom of thought.

What. A. Gentleman.
I was only trying to be nice when I responded by saying that he sounded like he needed a hug.Or that a sense of humor might do him some good. But apparently my good intentions were not very well received.

Anonymous said…“I have a fine sense of humor. And your cult prohibits you from giving me a hug. If you did hug me, I would respond by doing the Chabad thing; sticking a knife up your back.

But then he made it all better when he commented under my post about how I wanted to climb a rainbow and sip champagne on the moon.

Anonymous said... “Are you on LSD? To believe what you believe and write like this, I would say you are.

Now there’s the fine sense of humor we’ve all been hearing about.
What. A. Gem. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Dear Mark Zukerberg

If Mark Zukerberg really cared about us like he claims he does, he would do what Megavideo does to crazy mofos who spend too much time on cyber crack dens.When you have been logged in for more than 72 minutes, you would get a popup.

It would go a little something like this:

You have enjoyed 72 minutes of Facebook today. Please wait 25 minutes or click here to buy a life.

Of course, it wouldn’t keep us all off. Do you know that there are actual websites dedicated to showing users how to bypass the Megavideo time limit? I suspect that the same people who frequent those websites will figure out a way to bypass the Facebook thing too.

But most importantly, I wouldn’t know how to. And I can’t follow instructions, so I wouldn’t learn how. And I know there are other computer illiterates out there who wouldn’t be able to either. So this popup will have effectively saved a considerable portion of our population.

Wow. This is a great idea. Why hasn’t Mark Z called me yet?